When Black and White Become Grey

Senior. That's what I am. I'm a senior in college. I always thought by the time I was here I'd have it all figured out. It's amazing how much I don't know. I remember coming to college with the whole world figured out and all I know now, three years later is that I have nothing figured out. Where life was once black and white I've found myself just seeing different shades of gray.

You could say this summer for me was a summer of discovery. It's been hard. My first summer as an adult on my own. I now have an apartment with my name on the lease, I'm a working professional with my name on cards, I have a job that heavily depends on me (including calls in the middle of the night and working 8 days straight). I took my first real vacation on my own which included renting a hotel. I cannot even tell you how cool it felt to hand over my credit card, be handed a key and collapse into a bed after that 4 hour drive. Then I was so excited that I rented my first hotel room I was too awake to nap before the rehearsal. Though I'm not sure how vacation-y going to South Dakota for a wedding is, I'm still counting it as my first real vacation.

Yet at the end of the summer when I should be so sure of myself, who I am and what I'm doing I've found I'm left with more questions. How did I get here? Who am I? I've found myself questioning so many things that were so concrete to me for so long. I miss the days of black and white. I miss the days of simplicity instead of this complication I've found.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade where I am for anything. I love my job, maybe too much. I love the added responsibility, I love the pressure of knowing that my decisions directly affect the company. I love knowing that my voice matters. I love the pay :) I love knowing I'm in a position after graduation to be promoted and go anywhere in the country I want. I really love that I've begun my career before I've finished my degree.

But I miss going home. I miss quality time with friends. I miss spending a day doing absolutely nothing. I miss knowing when I'll be home next. I miss calling into work sick and not actually being sick (true confession there.) I don't think I can call in sick now...ever.

What does any of this have to do with life being grey? I think the fact that the older I get the more grey everything is becoming. At a time when I should be so sure of myself and the decisions I'm making I've found more and more uncertainty. I find this new unknown scary. I've got 8 more months until I'm officially in the real world. Right now it's as if I have 1 foot in the real world and 1 in the bubble of college. There is a part of me that wants so badly to go off into the unknown. Move far away. See what kind of dent I can make on the world. There's also a part of me that wants to stay perfectly still, not move an inch in hopes that time will stop.

Maybe none of this is making sense. Maybe it's making perfect sense.