Excuse My Venting.

I need to vent. I just need to get some things out. So here I am, typing away my current frustration that I feel like nobody understands. As all of my readers are well aware, it's my senior year at Northwestern. Senior year. As in, the last year. This is the year of seizing opportunities, staying up ridiculously late, laughing until dawn and soaking up every moment that can be done because this is the end. Let me repeat, this is the end. After graduation, everything changes. Never again will we all be in this close proximity, never again will it be easier to spend time together. So here comes the real question, why aren't we? Why aren't we seizing the day? Why aren't we laughing 'til dawn?
It's not that I don't get busy, I'm the queen of busy. But, I guess the way I see it, I'm going to regret getting plenty of sleep when I look back and realized I let senior year fly by. Maybe I'm struggling with this out of loneliness. Maybe it's because I'm off campus. Maybe it's because I've had friendships end, and it sucks.

I also get that to everything there is a season. Friendships will end. I'm not going to be close to people I used to be. Honestly, that may be my tragic flaw, my inability to let relationships go, to move on. I was recently talking to a good friend about this, and how I was struggling so much with the fact that people don't want to make time to hang out along with my fears about graduation to which she made a great point. She said, "Sandra, if they're really your good friends graduation won't be sad because it's not really goodbye. You're sad because you realize you're going to lose touch, especially if you can't maintain the friendships now while you're so close. You're sad because you know in five years you'll look back and realize you don't care about these people anymore." That really hit me hard.

I don't want to look back in five years and realize all these people who meant so much to me are now just people I send a Christmas card to. Maybe I should be ok with the distance, begin moving on and accept these friendships are going to end. Maybe I only feel this way because I don't have that close friendship I used to and I miss it. Maybe its because I have one foot in college and the other in the real world. There could be a million reasons why I'm the only one feeling this. But please, will somebody else get this? Will somebody else understand this is ending soon so I'm not alone in trying to organize things, and for heaven's sake will people actually show up? Yes class is important. Yes work is important. But are those so important we sacrifice relationships? I can't be alone in this.

Like I said. This is venty. People will probably be offended. I'm not trying to offend people, I just don't want to look back and realize I wasted my senior year of college on studying and work.

Wow.

The most hauntingly beautiful song I've ever heard. Wow.

Hate

I've always heard that you should forgive because when you don't you're only hurting yourself. I've heard that not forgiving doesn't affect the person you're not forgiving. I've heard that you shouldn't hate because you're only hurting yourself when you do that too. You expend all this energy hating someone and they never know or don't care.
I don't believe that anymore. It's not true when you're the one hated and not forgiven and you miss that other person more than you'd ever care to admit. It more feels like you've been ripped in half and are missing this huge part of who you are but you know you'll never get that part back. It feels like nobody will ever be able to fill that hole again and even if they do, it's not the same. It feels like you're walking around just half of a person.
And more than a year later, I still feel the emptiness.

Fire and Rain

Where Are You?

Where are you?
Why aren’t you here?
I came looking for you today.
I searched, but I guess you’re far away.
Did you see my tears?
Did you listen as I told you my fears?
I’m yelling, but I don’t think you notice.
When will you see
I can’t continue like this
Please I beg, come back to me
Restore who I was, restore what I knew, restore my desire for you

Hook

I love how this entire song is about how you can write a song about nothing and as long as it sounds good people will love it.

100 Years